There is this girl. No, excuse me, a Woman. She’s hides behind these walls that look more like ruins, I can definitely see in but I don’t bother assuming. I climb over the rubble and reach out to help her, only to find my hand on glass and no way to offer shelter. See, she’s an open book. You could read her word for word, but guys put her aside just like a Nook and it bothers me. As I stare inside I could see her crying and begging for help while I try to break in just hoping to get inside with no success. I must confess, I am a sucker for those who need saving but I am hardly there for saving. In fact her heart seems warm, I just might make myself a haven in it. Behind the ruins, behind the rubble. Behind the walls she put up because many other people just had to fuck up. I’m so into her, like a bee in a hive. I’d support her like the queen and zig zag my way through life just trying to make her happy. So I find myself the sharpest thing I can find. I had nothing but the quickest wit in my mind. I took a swing hoping that I would chip through the pane. But its thick I’d have to use something stronger than my brain. I tried to sing the highest pitch just to create a vibration. Perhaps I could use the frequency to cause the glass to break, but its no use. I fall to my knees and start to think this thing through. Then I remembered, it was the absolute truth. I felt my heart as it was pounding in my chest. Still staring at her, it was all I had left. Panting and breathing deeply as I was running out of breath. I let out three words that would shake any foundation. While other girls left, this was a different situation. I told her that I loved her and I’d love her to the grave. I told her that she was beautiful and to never ever change. I put my hand up to the window and at that moment to my dismay. My fingers fell through and I placed them to her face. I took a step closer. That’s when our lips began to touch. See, heart was the answer, while everything else wasn’t enough. Let this be a lesson. You could be prince charming, but it don’t make you a lover. I know you find this quite alarming. She just needed something deeper. Than shallow words could provide. She wanted someone with the courage to reach down deep inside. Past the tears and the hurt. Past the doubt of self worth. Past the feelings of insecurities. Past the simple immaturities. Past all the drama and the suffering. Yeah. You tried to impress her but there is no impressing her. Instead of showing off your whip, you should’ve stood right next to her. Hand in her hand, keeping the same pace with her. Maybe you woulda had her, instead of that distaste for her.
For once I feel invisible. Looked over like a rock on the path to success. People use me as a stepping stone but are hardly aware and I receive no recognition.
Sometimes I wish you could see me the way that I see you. Regardless, I still see you and even more so I feel you even when you aren’t here.
Sometimes it hard to be misunderstood. Its hard to be used. Its hard to be good. Its hard to find a reason to wake up the next morning. Its hard to know you’ll be lost with no direction. But its true how we learn that we don’t know what we had until its gone. But is that a proper excuse for leaving instead of righting the wrongs? Sometimes its hard to tell people how you feel. Its hard to know if what you feel is really real. I can see the scars and the bruises on my heart.
I am a boy. No excuse me, a man. With childish tendencies’, I’m far from perfect but what do you expect from me? I’m only in my twenties with my entire life before me, no wait. I take that back, because she left me. She left me because I let me become the epitome of a barber shop waltz on broken glass. Teasing Dangerous thoughts while I was being such an ass. Walking with my nose to the sky while I lacked any class. God, it happened so fast. God, why is that the case when it comes to the past?! One moment I was walking on sunshine, and now I’m on a grimey pathway, two blocks from the subway, trying to keep my strut strait and not worrying about a dinner plate. Fuck! Its so easy to fucking lose faith. If only I could’ve seized destiny but instead I am here being tormented by my fate…
Those hands. So violently beating on her chest. Holding onto the last few seconds of her breath, and before I tell you the end will you please take a moment. Put your feet into her bloody shoes and learn something from it. We all had our bad days in Summer but none like hers. Kicked around like bags of sand left to dissolve into the dirt. Slowly like her desire and worth, but see we’ve forgot her and it’s sure to be the reason she wraps her neck into the curtains and dangle like the hope we teased in front of her over and over. My heart its felt her just like every deceiver before. But just like a cleaver it cuts deep down to the core and through her brittle bones she feels no home. No rest when you’re there at the bottom. Late nights with no relief can you empathize with her longing to cut her wrists and scratch her legs till their are numb just like her feelings. Im not trying to inflict pitty now let me make that clear but there is a need for sympathy when we are the cause of all her fears climaxing into this moment where she meets her fate. God! “it seems I’ve lost all faith”. Are the words written down on a napkin. Now we are dumbed down as if we could understand why this happened and we go on. How could we go on?! How can we just continue and proceed without caution?! How can we live the same without options?! While girls like her bleed oh so often? While girls like her need just someone to love them?! While girls like her are kicked and beaten?! Why am I breathing?!
She’s been abused. By me and by you. But more by me I was the epitome of a fool and even more so a tool. Yeah, and she has been bruised. By so many authority figures, these are people she should’ve trusted but theyve thrown her to the side like magazine clip from a gun. While she is the gun. Cocked back and unstable and at any minute she could maim you because guns now days are labeled dangerous and whether or not they are they must be the cause of all the problems. She feels she just can’t solve them so she cuts. Do you see the pain in her eyes or is she just single and taking in your lies. Is she a body you can fill with life and walk away like St Nick on Christmas day. But see, I demand an answer. I demand a smile. So I gently reach out with my heart and walk that extra mile. You can meet her half way, but she’s already in hell. Trapped inside her thoughts of hopelessness, yeah, her mind is a prison cell
She is the type of girl who wants to be seen. She is the type of girl who can’t be seen by me. She is the girl who feels ugly in the worlds eyes. She is the type of girl who feeds on that lie. When I told her she was beautiful, she brushed it off like yesterdays paper. When I took her shopping, I never saw those clothes later. When I wrote her songs of love hoping she would sing them back, she never hit rewind like it didn’t mean jack. I was the scum on her shoe hoping she would notice me. Yeah I may of been the one that made made mistakes but all I hoped to be was more than a mistake but perhaps the only one she see’s. Now it makes me sick that I let her get so close. Now she laughs at the distance and loves to see me choke, on my tears and the pain with nobody by me to console all the hurt that I feel, yeah, her heart was really full. No it wasn’t full of love but the pride and selfish bull. She don’t care that I’m drinking and just wanting to die, she just happy that “I lost her” and how I’m crazy, what a lie. Every time when she said, that she loved me it was fake. Faker than a porn stars breasts and hopeless like Las Vegas stakes. God I wish she’d just come back and faked it like before but I know Id just be used like a stupid whore. So I guess she is right when she calls me so “pathetic” but its her who I loved but she could never sweat it.
Live life like you want to. Because what you want can’t be any less selfish than the people who want you to live the way they want you to. Do you understand? I’ve lived my life being critical of people with controlling tendencies. Those who think they know what’s best for you but claim that everyone is unique. It’s quite a hypocritical thought if you ask me. But what do I know, I’m quite the hypocrite myself. With that realization, the choice is yours.
Really really excited to be out of the country in a few days. It’ll give me some time to think and reflect, as well as meet some cool new people.